Owning your Needs (part 2)

I often work with clients who for some reason or another, are brought up to believe that their needs don’t matter and that it is more important to give to others. As you might remember from my post last week, this is a familiar story in my life as well.

What I didn’t share last week is a major side effect of not getting our needs met – particularly when it comes to our relationships with others because…unmet needs have an annoying way of leaking out anyway.

What does this look like?

In all situations where our needs are not met, we will start to harbour underground resentment (whether we are aware of it or not).  This can come out in all sorts of ways including: general irritation with the other person; arguments; doing things from a sense of duty or obligation (rather than joy and genuine giving); disdain; frustration; the making of ‘narky’ comments to friends about the other person.

All these are not signals that the other person is selfish or “taking too much” (although this IS what we are taught to believe!) but rather, that you have not been connected to yourself and are therefore not claiming the life energy that is moving through you.

This is why NVC makes such a difference in transforming relationships, because when you can actually start to acknowledge each of your needs, the other person is then freed from the obligation of having to meet your needs for you. As a result of this self-
responsibility for your own needs, a relationship has space to flourish and an honesty is borne that can fill the relationship with a freshness and vitality that wasn’t there before.

If you’ve already done an NVC training of mine, then this post is a gentle reminder to continue honouring and owning your needs so that your relationships with others can thrive even further.  And you might want to come and deepen in the next Embodying NVC Training in October – Power and Purpose.

If you haven’t, then of course you are welcome to come along to any of my upcoming workshops but at the very least, it’s an invitation to look at what destructive emotions are ‘leaking’ out into your relationships and consider what you might not yet be honouring within yourself.

With love,


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