Why People Pleasing feels Toxic (Part 3)

This is the final piece on People Pleasing. In it I’d like to share the sweet spot of what it is to simply give from the heart with pure JOY.

In my NVC Foundation Trainings I often share this diagram to illustrate…


When I first began to stand in a place of self-fullness in my relationships, it was a bit scary. I was someone who said yes, even if I didn’t want to, because I was afraid if I didn’t, they wouldn’t help me later and then I would NEVER get my needs met! Or just as bad, that they wouldn’t like me if I said no.

But as I learnt to navigate my own needs, and only say yes if I could find a way to ALSO ensure my needs for self care, or choice, or ease or… was met, I was astonished at how much richer ALL my interactions became because I no longer needed to sacrifice myself or diminish the needs of another in order to try to get my needs met.

And it truly did then become a gift for me to give!

There was a certain magic that happened when I started being able to give from this inner flow of joy and authenticity that transformed how I related to all those around me.

And I became way more authentic and clear in what mattered to me.

It hasn’t always been easy but it has been worth it and I encourage you (if you aren’t already) to begin practising it in your own life. If you are unsure at first, you will know it as the difference between giving from a sense of joy versus giving from a sense of obligation (or indeed, receiving from that place).

The difference between: I should…, I must… or I need to…(so that I can feel important or belong or get what I want) VERSUS I can…., I want to… and I am excited to….(because it’s part of my deep wanting to give to you and there is joy to do so) is enormous.

Giving from selfullness will be place that you can give and receive from for the rest of your life without any sense of loss, resentment or fear. (By the way, its also part of having wonderful boundaries!!!)

And a bonus that I never expected is that people around me feel free to ask me for anything, and really trust I will say no if there is not joy to say yes. What a relief for all of us!

This is the final installment in this series on people pleasing but if you wish to practise these principles straight away in a safe and nurturing environment, my next NVC Foundation Training is coming up later this month or join us for our more advanced Embodying NVC Retreat*. You can reserve your place here.

With love,